This is a question I have been thinking about a lot lately.
For anyone who is reading this and isn't aware, I am currently living in Montevideo, Uruguay, many miles from my beloved sisters (and bloggers) in Christ.
In my time here I have come to a crisis point-- I have been forced to decide whether I am going to believe that God is real--in which case I must seek and submit myself fully to him--or if I'm going to deny God and go on doing whatever seems right according to what I see and feel. Studying abroad has been at times a very lonely experience, to the point where I would just ache for meaningful interaction--a sincere conversation, a caring touch. So strong was the feeling of isolation at times that I became convinced that there was no way an invisible, "imagined" embrace could console me. It has been a strong temptation follow others who have adopted a more "liberated" view of love and sexuality.
But in spite of this, I came to a point where I realized that I could not deny God. I know too well that he is real. I've seen the joy of those who faithfully follow him. I've seen too many people healed--both physically and emotionally. I've seen too many promises fulfilled, and sensed him too closely, to the point where I know I can never deny He exists, no matter how distressed or far from Him I feel.
And the thing that most puzzles me is this: a physical embrace feels wonderful for a moment--but afterwards leaves me feeling worse than before. Yet this invisible God, whom I can't touch, can't point to, can't feel his physical arms around me--somehow this God comforts me, strengthens me, and leads me to peace.
And all of the things that I've had so much pride about: dancing, being culturally and socially knowledgeable, having the ideal study abroad experience, being a part of certain groups---things so small and silly yet somehow so important to me---all of these are worth nothing if they pull me away from the Invisible God. Everything that matters is bound up in knowing this unseen God, in opening my heart to him, submitting myself to him--his love, his truth, his wisdom.
Why do I follow an invisible God? no answer makes sense. All I know is that when I followed my eyes--did what seemed good, did what I wanted, I was miserable. But as I slowly let go of my stubbornness, the things I take pride in, and begin to trust in what I don't see, I am being filled with peace. And bit by bit the hurts in my heart are softly being healed, and I am learning how to really love others--- not a selfish, hungry love that craves acceptance and gratification in return, but the kind of love that wants others to know the grace that I know.
My body and even my heart sometimes scream against it, but I know that the all caring and accepting embrace that I so long for in the middle of the night cannot be satisfied by anyone. The only one who can touch me deeply enough is unseen and yet more real than anything else--he is the one true God.
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